


if you didn't want the beautiful so badly, perhaps you would've found it in your spirit singing softly

by lailou



Category: Friends at the Table (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-25
Updated: 2018-07-25
Packaged: 2019-06-15 23:22:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15423903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lailou/pseuds/lailou
Summary: hella and rosana fall in love. but factors beyond their control keep them apart.(hella/rosana pre-canon + a little bit of au/post-canon. technically this could all exist in canon! its never been touched on, specifically)





	if you didn't want the beautiful so badly, perhaps you would've found it in your spirit singing softly

**Author's Note:**

> i super wasn't sure how to characterize rosana in this fic so i hope people like what i went with! enjoyyyy!

1

Hella sat silently at the bar as it began to empty around her. But she had been in a daze since she’d walked in hours ago. The bartender was the most beautiful woman she’d ever seen, her dark skin and gold-accented clothing glowed in the dim candlelight. 

“Can I get you something?” the woman asked, pulling Hella out of her head.

“Um,” Hella felt herself blush. “Yes.”

The woman smiled, amused. “Okay. What’ll it be, then?”

Hella drew up all the courage she possessed. “Your name, and a pint of whatever’s on tap. Two pints, if you’ll join me.”

The woman raised her eyebrows. “Rosana. And two pints it is, because, lucky for you, we’re closed.”

Hella began and apology, but Rosana cut her off. “It’s alright. I’m not in the habit of inconveniencing beautiful women.”

Hella felt herself flush deeper. “Thank you. My name is Hella. Hella Varal. I travel from Ordenna.”

“How exciting. Do you travel for business, or pleasure?” Rosana asked as she poured two drinks, and moved to sit in the spot directly next to Hella. 

“Business, mostly. However, I am not opposed to pleasure,” Hella grinned, growing cocky as Rosana moved closer, the two women practically sharing breaths. 

“I would hope not.”

“So,” Hella gestured to the adornments on Rosana’s clothes. “How does Samothes feel about hookups?”

 

“Well, it depends on who you ask, Ms. Varal,” Rosana said, putting her hand on Hella’s and looking her straight in the eye. 

“And if I ask you?” 

“If you ask me, Samothes was man who put business above pleasure. However,” Rosana gestured to the empty room. “Business is over, for now.”

“So...” Hella trailed off, and awkwardly looked at her hands. 

“So, my house is a few blocks away.”

Hella suddenly stood up and cleared her throat. “Sounds good,” she said, a bit awkward, waiting for Rosana to lead her. 

Rosana smiled, quieter, a far cry from her earlier amusement. More intimate, more private, despite the fact that they’d been alone the entire time. 

The two women left the bar, Rosana blowing out the candles and locking the door behind her. She breathed in the fresh air, almost wishing the walk was farther so she could enjoy the early morning sky. 

“It’s a beautiful night, huh?” Hella said, nearly a whisper. 

Rosana suddenly had an idea. “Would you like to go somewhere? With me?”

“Sure?” Hella replied, as Rosana grabbed her hand and led her down the street. 

“It’s on the way, I promise,” Rosana said, pulling Hella along a route she’d known well since she was a girl. 

Rosana hadn’t technically lied, the spot was on the way. Not the quickest way, but it was on a way. 

Rosana led Hella through a series of alleyways, till they arrived at a gate that Rosana easily jiggled open. “It’s a finicky thing, but I don’t have my key,” she explained, Hella nodding and peering into the space. 

Inside the gate, in the center of Velas, was a vast garden. The dim candlelight and the bright moonlight seemed to make the whole place glow. Brightly colored flowers seemed radiant, even in the middle of the night, and Hella thought the whole place felt magical in a way she’d never felt before. 

“This is gorgeous,” Hella said, as she stepped through the gate, off the cobblestone streets and onto soft grass. 

“Thank you,” Rosana blushed. “I help maintain it, it’s a community effort through the church. Just a place for people to come to for some peace.”

“But it’s closed at night?” Hella asked, as her and Rosana sat down on a bench, completely surrounded by greenery. 

“Yes, it opens at sunrise. So not for,” Rosana squinted at the sky, calculating, then smiling. “A few hours.”

Hella leaned back on her hands, putting herself farther from Rosana to study her face. “Would you like to...” Hella trailed off, and gestured between them and then to the empty space.

Rosana moved closer to Hella, putting her almost off the end of the bench. “Like to what?”

Hella drew a breath in. “You know what.”

Rosana giggled, and pulled Hella towards her by her collar. “I think I do,” Rosana whispered, almost into her mouth, then closed the distance and kissed her. 

2.

Rosana was hurrying through the streets of Velas, carrying stacks of books and pamphlets from one side of town to the other. Despite having worked with the church for 5 years, she still sometimes got stuck doing grunt work. 

Or at least she was hurrying, until she slammed straight into what she first thought was perhaps a walking tree, but seemed to be a tall, muscular woman. A familiar one, at that, she thought as she stepped back to gather her fallen things. 

“Oh my goodness, I’m so...” Hella trailed off, recognition flashing in her eyes. “Rosana?”

“Yes, now please help me pick up my things,” Rosana gestured wildly, and quickly grabbed at a paper that was about to be taken by the sea breeze. 

“Of course,” Hella mumbled, almost to herself, and gathered as many of Rosana’s books and papers as she could. 

“Thank you,” Rosana said, relieved, once she’d verified all of her stuff was in an okay state. “Now, the least you could do would be to help me carry all of these heavy books.”

Hella grinned widely. “Of course. Lead the way.”

Rosana and Hella walked side by side, much slower than Rosana needed to be going, but Hella was good company. The two women chatted amicably for a bit, before Rosana finally began to make a move. 

“So what are you in town for?” Rosana asked. 

“Business again,” Hella replied, winking. Rosana rolled her eyes. “Though I would not be opposed to-”

“A bit of pleasure,” Rosana interrupted. “I figured.”

Hella blushed, a dark red on her dark skin. “Last time was wonderful.”

“I know,” Rosana said matter-of-factly. “Would you like to meet at that bar again, tonight? Only this time you can say more than twenty words to me. And then we can go back to my apartment.”

“That sounds great, Rosana.”

“7 o’clock work for you?” Rosana asked as she stopped walking. Hella hadn’t even noticed that they’d walked all the way to the church 

“Absolutely,” Hella replied quickly. “Here are your books.”

Rosana kicked open the door to hold it open for herself, and took the books from Hella. “Thank you,” she shouted, peering over the large stack. 

“Anytime.”

3\. 

It turned out that anytime meant every time that Hella was in town for the next two years. Hella would show up in Velas, and hang around where Rosana would. She would leave notes at Rosana’s apartment, hang out at their usual bar, and even, once or twice, venture into the church. That was a big step- Rosana knew better than anyone that Hella was not a spiritual woman. 

That was another thing. Rosana knew Hella better than she knew almost anyone else in her life. Hella wasn’t the kind of girl to hide things about herself, but she was as full of complexities as anyone. The first thing she’d learned about her was that her bravado lasted for seconds at best, and the last thing was that Hella always smelled like the sea. 

“Rosana, your quarters stink of the ocean,” Exarch Elaine said, recoiling as she walked into Rosana’s apartment. 

“One moment, Exarch,” Rosana called, rifling through a drawer till she found the paper she was looking for. “Ah, here it is. Now, what was that?”

“Your rooms,” she said, slowly. “Stink. Of the sea.”

“Do they?” Rosana sniffed the air, wrinkling her nose. “I suppose they do. Huh.”

Rosana smiled to herself as her and she Exarch stepped out the door. She turned from locking it, and saw the confused look on the Exarch’s face. “Why, dear child, do your rooms reek of salt and fish?”

Rosana gave a surprised laugh. “I have a friend, who travels here by sea, for business. I have her over when I can.”

That was almost certainly a lie. Hella had been making up excuses for the time-consuming journey across the waters for some time now. And the two women were hardly just friends. 

“A friend from Ordenna?” Exarch Elaine replied, her voice shriller than a whistle. 

“Yes, Exarch Elaine,” Rosana rolled her eyes. “A friend from Ordenna. A nation we are friendly with, might I remind you.”

“Perhaps Velas is friendly with Ordenna, child. But not Samothes.”

“You are old fashioned, Elaine,” Rosana’s usually gentle voice took an edge. “Ordennans are a friendly people.”

“Rosana, I only wish the best for you,” Elaine said, through gritted teeth. “But if you ever wish to have the position of Exarch, or maybe, with your talents, Prelate, you would do best to not associate with Ordenna.”

Rosana smiled her sweetest smile, and did not speak the rest of the walk back to the church. She knew the silence got to Exarch Elaine more than Rosana arguing with her did. 

Once they reached the church, Rosana handed the paper off to the Exarch. “If that’s all you need, Elaine?”

“Yes, Rosana. Consider my words. They may seem harsh, but they’re true,” Elaine said, punctuated with the door slammed in Rosana’s face. 

Rosana sighed and began her way home. As she made her way through the busy streets, she thought about what Elaine had said. If she could even be a little bit right about Rosana losing opportunities in the church because of old prejudices against Ordenna. Rosana sure hoped not. 

And, of course, by some amazing coincidence, Hella was loitering outside her apartment when she got there. Rosana laughed to herself, thinking about what would’ve happened had Hella been there just an hour earlier. 

Rosana embraced Hella. “Do you know that you smell like the sea?” she whispered into her ear. 

Hella chuckled as the two stumbled into Rosana’s apartment, falling onto the soda. “I would think so.”

“I never noticed,” Rosana said, breathless as Hella kissed her neck. 

“That’s because I didn’t,” Hella looked up at her. “Until... recently, really.”

Rosana pulled away, and tipped Hella’s chin up. “What do you mean?”

“I’ve been traveling a lot more,” Hella said shyly, which Rosana found hilarious given their current state. “Since I met you.”

“For business?”

“No, for pleasure.”

Rosana was overcome with emotion for this woman she’d had a sort of thing with for two years. Instead of attempting to articulate the emotions she was feeling, she grabbed Hella by the face and kissed her deeply. 

4\. 

As tensions between the mainland and Ordenna began to build, and Hella and Rosana grew older and busier, Rosana began to smell less like the sea, and more like the violets that grew like weeds in the church’s garden. 

Hella still visited when she could, every few months or so. But the women had discussed their lack of contact, and both felt lonely. In turn, both felt awful about the other feeling lonely. 

Rosana was in good spirits, though, because Hella was visiting for a few days. The two were laying in bed, and both were imagining a life where this was all they had to do. 

“Rosana?”

“Hm?”

“I wanted to talk to you about something,” Hella said, nervously. 

“What is it?” Rosana replied, not quite nervous, but tense. 

“Have you not gotten an Exarch position yet because of me?” Hella practically spit out her words. 

“I...” Rosana sighed. She searched Hella’s eyes, looking for what she wanted to year. It would do Rosana no good to lie. “Maybe. Exarch Elaine has been... going behind my back, saying all sorts of things about you, about me, about us. She’s old fashioned though, she’ll die soon enough, and her ideas with her, Samothes willing.”

“Rosana,” Hella took the other woman’s hand. “You know I’m not religious, or anything, but that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be. You shouldn’t let me hold you back.”

“Hella, you’re not holding me back, not at all.”

 

“If it’s me or your dream job, I want you to get your dream job.”

Rosana sighed again. “Hella, it’s not that simple. Yes, it’s my dream job. But... I care about you.”

Hella gave a small smile. “I care about you too. Which is why I want you to do this.”

“We can talk about this in the morning, Hella,” Rosana said. She was suddenly very tired, and Hella’s arms were very comfortable. 

Hella hummed in agreement, and the Rosana fell asleep quickly. But Hella’s mind was racing, not only was Rosana feeling lonely, but she was losing opportunities because of connections to Ordenna. 

After hours of not sleeping, Hella noticed the sun began to rise. Rosana would wake soon, and Hella wanted to have made a decision by then. Hella decided to give Rosana the easiest way out she could think of, and resolved to leave as quietly possible.

As Hella dressed, she observed how peaceful the normally busy-minded Rosana looked in sleep. Hella would miss this, and her. Hella’s family, and Ordenna in general, hadn’t been much for love, but Hella thought she might finally know what it felt like. But Hella had known enough stories to know that sometimes, for love, you make sacrifices.

Hella quickly scribbled out a note that Rosana would read not an hour later. Rosana rose abruptly, noticing Hella’s absence immediately, and grabbing for the note left on her nightstand. 

Rosana-  
You know I care about you very much. And you know that that means that I want the best for you. That’s why I left. Not because of you, but for you. I will always care about you. I will always carry you with me, in my heart. I hope one day things will be better and we will both smell like the sea again.   
Hella

Rosana, was, of course, furious. She didn’t allow herself to cry, though, she just gathered herself and went to church, where she knew she could surround herself by people who knew nothing about silly Ordennans who didn’t know how to cope with love. 

On that day, Rosana felt as if the wound on her heart would never heal. But, of course, it did. She met Hadrian, a young priest who reminded her of Hella, in a way. They were both obvious people, who wore their hearts on their sleeves. Rosana liked that very much. As her relationship with Hadrian became known, she was offered the position of Exarch. Of course, she accepted. 

5\. 

“Benjamin is great, and it’ll be nice for you to finally meet my wife,” Hadrian babbled. He’d been babbling on and on about his family for the entire walk to his home, where Hella had agreed to have dinner. 

“I’m sure they’re great,” Hella replied, unenthused. “Your wife is involved in the church?”

Hadrian seemed all too happy to continue small talk. “Yes, she’s an Exarch, so her and Benjamin travel a lot. It’s great.”

“I’m sure it’s great for him, to be able to see so much of Hieron.”

“You know,” Hadrian mused. “He’s never been to Ordenna. Maybe, in a few years, when things have settled down...”

“Maybe.”

Hadrian nodded, content with her short response. “Here we are.”

Hella hadn’t even noticed that Hadrian had stopped in front of a building that she knew well. The route had felt so familiar that she didn’t question how unfamiliar it should be. 

“I used to know someone who lived here,” Hella remarked, hoping to come across as casual. 

“My wife has lived her for some time,” Hadrian responded, blissfully unaware of how nervous he was making Hella. 

Hadrian went to unlock the door Hella had walked through many times, and suddenly she felt like she was going to vomit, or scream, or run. 

“Hello, I’ve brought a friend,” Hadrian called as he walked in, beckoning for a frozen Hella to follow him. 

Hella slowly stepped in, at the same time that Rosana stepped out of the kitchen. “Hello,” Hella said, timidly. 

“Hello,” Rosana responded, cooly. 

Hadrian glanced between the two of them, confused. “Rosana, this is Hella. Hella, Rosana.”

“If you’ll- if you’ll excuse me,” Rosana took off her apron, and turned back into the kitchen. Hella flinched as the back door slammed. 

“Do you two... know each other?” Hadrian asked, like he was not quite sure if that was the right question. 

“Yes,” Hella replied, exasperated. “I’m going to follow her.”

Hadrian yelled after Hella, but she didn’t listen to him. She made a beeline for where she hoped the church gardens would still be, knowing Rosana went there when she was distressed. 

Sure enough, Hella could just barely see Rosana sitting on a bench through the gate. Hella yanked the rusty old thing open. “You should really get a new one of these.”

“I know. I’ve been telling Prelate Helena that for years, and she won’t listen. Once I’m prelate...” she trailed off, searching for her thoughts. “I’ll... put in a new gate, probably.”

“Congratulations on becoming an Exarch,” Hella said awkwardly, sitting on the bench across from her. 

“I could’ve done with you, too, you know,” Rosana said, and it sounded like something she’d said to herself a million times. 

“But now you’re happy with Hadrian,” Hella smiled, hoping to salvage the situation. 

“I could’ve been happy with you,” Rosana was near tears, and Hella was, too. Rosana suddenly stood, and Hella stood in reaction. 

Instead of running off, and slamming the door in her face, Rosana pulled Hella into a hug. The two women embraced for what felt like hours, before Rosana stepped away. 

“I’m sorry,” Hella whispered. 

“I know, Hella,” Rosana hugged her again, shorter this time. “I hope we can figure this out, now that you’re back. I still care for you.”

“Me too. I’ll take whatever you give me,” Hella felt a tear run down her cheek. 

Rosana smiled a watery, but genuine smile. “We should get back. Hadrian will be... wondering.”

Hella laughed loudly, and warmly. “You have a type.”

Rosana let out a surprised laugh in response. “Maybe.”

The two women walked back, slowly, not running after each other, or hiding from someone, or rushing towards their desires, and both of them felt whole, for the first time in a while.

**Author's Note:**

> i had no idea how to end this at all. like at all. i thought this was the best and most realistic way so i hope u liked it!


End file.
